dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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