no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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