I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
