tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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