i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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