ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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