Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
