Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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