you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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