I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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