someone get that fucking seahorse.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
