im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
