Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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