Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
