Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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