Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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