i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
