you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
