i think i have two assholes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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