based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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