Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize