Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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