i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize