Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
