i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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