Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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