It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
