I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
