Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
