the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
