At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
