I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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