I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
