Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize