I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
