I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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