We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
