I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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