Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
