he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am midnight drunk by noon
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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