Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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