I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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