All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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