All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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