I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
