If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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