My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
