I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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