The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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