Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
