I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
