i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
