discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
