My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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