Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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